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97% of all pianists admit to having some degree of irrational embarrassment about their profession sounding similar to the male sex organ. How ironic, then, that “Organists” do not share in this embarrassment.

Despite the unfounded, childish misconceptions, neither pianos nor organs are innately pervy. Rather studies show that the perviness of an instrument is determined by perviness of the instrumenteer. And the perviness of the instrumenteer is directly proportional to the bushiness of their moustache. The thinner the moustache, the more pervy a person is. The bushier, the super-more pervy a person is. Women cannot be pervs.

There has only been one case of female perversia recorded in the last fifty years. Lydia Bunting, the pervert just mentioned, had no moustache - bushy or thin - to give her away. She also refrained from pervy activities, likely as part of her scheme to avoid criticism of her lifestyle. In the end, however, she was given away by her gentle, floating walk and her unusually long fingers that she carried in front of her like a cartoon rabbit. Some people still believe that her femaleness should exclude her from being categorized as a perv, but nobody really listens to these people because she sounds like she was a total creep.