- 74 -

 

The English are known for being unbearably pompous. Even the humble ones sound pompous because of their irritatingly precocious accent. This is undeniably true because no non-English person has ever faked a British accent without sounding pompous. The best actors in the world can’t even pull it off. Not even the best actors in the universe. Maybe Ronny Cox , but that’s it.

There is only one instance in which a typically pompous-sounding Englishperson sounds as humble as a non-English person. This rare treat has been witnessed by the mere handful of individuals who have engaged in conversation with an English person on the subject of English muffins. The English, those tea and scrumpet-loving snobs, are exceedingly embarrassed about the English muffin, as it is far and away the worst tasting type of muffin on the planet. Maybe even the worst tasting muffin in the universe.

The best way to embarrass the English in a conversation about muffins is to mention a superior tasting muffin – like the banana-nut muffin – and then say something like “I wish the English muffin had bananas or nuts. You probably wish that too, huh?” Another one that really gets them is to point out that the muffin top is the most delicious part of the muffin. “It’s too bad English muffins don’t have a muffin top,” you can say. Some will agree, some will disagree, but all will fidget and perspire, revealing their true feelings on the subject. Ultra-pompous ones will try to convince you that English muffins are the best kind, and you have to have distinguished taste to appreciate them. They may even try to fool themselves by eating them in the presence of non-English persons. It’s really very sad.